Let's Talk About the Nasty People You're Stuck With At Work (And How To Survive Them).

You don't get to pick your coworkers. Stinks right?!

In 20+ years in corporate recruiting, I've watched extremely valuable people quit great jobs. Not because of pay. Not because of title. Because of that one person. The one who makes your stomach drop when you see their name on a meeting invite or a project come up they're a part of.

You're not too sensitive. You're not being weak. It's not fun working with people that aren't nice and you have not choice in it. And there's nothing you can do about it. Or is there?

Here's what I've learned after being in this exact sitation MANY times.

1. Stop trying to make them like you or please them. B/c odds are, you never will.

The biggest waste of my energy earlier in my career? Over-explaining. Over-helping. Being overly emotional. Trying to be extra nice so they'd be nice back. None of it worked. B/c you can't change people unless they decided to change themselves. 

Jerks don't change because you're nice. They change when they're held accountable. When you set the tone for what you're willing to take. And often times, the people who are supposed to hold them accountable, like their boss, doesn't. So what do you do?

You focus on what you can control.

And that's your behavior. Not allowing them to invade your head space. And never let them see you sweat if they're condescending to you in front of other people, or yelling at you for something you can't change. 

B/c when people act like that, it's about them. NOT you. 

2. Document everything. Quietly.

Keep a running list. Write it down on a note pad with date. I even have kept a draft email I never send listing occurences as they happen.

After every meeting with them, cover your tracks by sending a follow-up email (which also acts as documentation, PLUS looking like you're organized and care: "Just confirming what we agreed on..." Stay factual, not emotional.

Dates. Decisions. Who said what. Who is accountable for what.

Because your paper trail is your protection.

3. Don't take the bait in public.

The not-nice coworker lives for a public reaction. A meeting where you get flustered. A snarky email you fire back too fast. And don't fidget if they're coming at you. Look directly at them or the camera if remote. Stone faced. B/c they can't break you no matter how hard they try. Even if you're shaking on the inside. They don't know that.

My rule: Never respond within 60 minutes if my heart rate is up. And never, ever battle it out on a group thread.

Take it offline. "Feel free to call me offline to discuss this further." It disarms them instantly because there's no audience. And let's see if they do it. Often times, they won't. B/c they're just looking for an audience in that moment to look all big and tough. While all they're doing is making themselves look like an ass.

4. Build your hallway reputation, not just your desk reputation.

Your work at your desk matters. But your reputation in the hallway matters more.

Be the person who is helpful to others, who gives credit, who stays calm (this one is hard. I even struggle with it). When that one person tries to paint you as the problem, 10 other people already know the truth.

Recruiters talk. Hiring managers talk. Your reputation follows you longer than any job does.

5. Know when it's a season vs. when it's a pattern.

Some difficult people are just having a hard quarter. Stress, bad manager, life stuff. Give grace where you can. B/c EVERYONE is going through something. If you ever get them alone, try simply asking "How are you?" That's it. The human to human interaction does go a long way.

But if it's been 6 months and you dread Mondays because of one person? That's not a season. That's your sign to have a real conversation with your manager about your work environment, what can be done to change ot, or your next move.

Advocate for yourself.

B/c no one else will the way you deserve.

You CAN survive a not-nice coworker. You shouldn't have to build a career around avoiding one. And NO ONE should feel harassed or belittled in the workplace. EVER.

The truth no one says out loud:

You will work with not-nice people at every level. Entry-level. Director. VP. I have placed executives making $400k who still deal with this. It doesn't go away no matter what you do or what level you're at.

What changes is your skill in handling it without it taking up rent in your head at 10pm.

That's the real corporate skill no one puts on a resume.

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If you're dealing with this right now — you're not alone, and you're not crazy.